One of my aunties died a few days ago, I didn't mention it at the time as I was coming to terms with it though obviously the loss has been on my mind whilst I've been working away at my beads and jewellery.

We went to a service of thanksgiving for her life yesterday. It was a long drive there and back down to Chichester in Sussex. This is where I was born and the only times I go back now seems to be to go to funerals.

Auntie May was a lovely lovely lady and I wished I had made more of an effort to see more of her when she was alive. Uncle Fred (Freddie as she called him) is absolutely heartbroken and stricken without her, I hurt for him.

I went to Church of England schools and so am used to hearing about God, I used to love singing hymns and carols, in fact I still do. I like to sing even though I know I'm no good at it. My family wasn't religious at all, we never went to church unless there was a wedding when I was young. Now I'm grown up, I am an atheist, I actively disbelieve in an all powerful, all seeing supernatural being such as God. But I found myself slipping into the warm comforting glove of the service and when I was saying the Lord's Prayer, I felt like I was one of those little spittle bugs which leave white foam on plants - every word became like a little bubble of protection. I found it comforting even though I don't believe - am I a hypocrit, maybe I am.

I particularly liked the words of remembrance (this is a small extract): 
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday. Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember her and only that she is gone. Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

This morning on Radio 4, there was a piece about trying to encourage more young people to go to church in Britain's most godless City (can't remember where it was now). They were appealing to people who were spiritual but not religious and for the first time, I saw that you can actually have one without the other. You don't have to be religious to be spiritual. I do like the idea of church, people looking out for each other, getting together and having a sing song and the ritual of services for life events give structure and closure, but I don't like being told I have to believe in God and Jesus and I hate the church's stance on many things like gay marriage. 

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit so all I want to say is rest in peace Auntie May, I will miss you.